I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real