u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
