Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Randomize
