How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
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