My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
