The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
