Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Randomize
