I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
Randomize
