apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Randomize
