Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
