I just cut my nipple shaving
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
