I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
you are never too drunk for berry picking
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
did i just pee glitter
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
Randomize
