if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
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