and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
