All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
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