and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Randomize
