I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
This is classic penis vs brain.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Randomize
