I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
Holy sore nipples Batman
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
