So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
