You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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