Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
