The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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