i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
