If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
Randomize
