Please don't use social media to get back at me.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
