You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Randomize
