i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
