I seem to have left my pride at pride
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
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