I am spending my child support on dildos
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
