I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
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