I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
I think your dad took our porno
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
