I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
