i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Randomize
