i need an iv and a liver transplant
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.