I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
19 Cringe-worthy Bachelorette Party Texts
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
The 23 Worst Things That Have Happened After a One Night Stand
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..