I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
