hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
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