Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
