Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Randomize
