Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
Randomize
