it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Randomize
