fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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