those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
