dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
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