I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Randomize
