i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
never play flip cup with pint glasses
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
