Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
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