haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
