I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
