I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
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