Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
Randomize
