TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Randomize
