I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
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