Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Randomize
