Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
He looked way older than 15. He probably thought that since I have braces I was 15. Fuck. The 6 year age gap is never to be spoken about. Especially because what happened constitutes as illegal.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
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your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
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And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
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