Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Randomize
