I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
