She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Randomize
