good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
