he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
